Let’s take a moment to celebrate how amazing you are and how exciting it is to be embarking on a whole new journey! As you step onto this new path, know that it’s also ok to feel some self-doubt and fear rise. I know how incredible (and daunting) this new world can feel and I would love to share with you some things that have helped me to survive and thrive as a step-Mum.
I came into my step children’s lives when they were 6 and 11 and I had just turned 40. At that time, I did not have any children of my own (we now have a 3 year old together). I was very open to meeting someone that already had children and saw it as a real opportunity to fulfil my nurturing instincts as well as being a privilege to be a part of two young people’s lives. Especially at a time when they were still forming their own identities and learning about the world and their place in it. Both children are divine and were very welcoming to me and we have since built beautiful solid relationships together. That said, life as a step-mum comes with some unique challenges that have provided many “personal growth opportunities” for me as a Mindset and Soul Coach.
I want you to know that you are never alone along this path. I know this new adventure brings with it a new terrain for you to navigate, which is why I have created my top sanity tips for being a good step-mum and creating a happy, loving and harmonious family life. I hope these find their way into your heart, and home, on those days when you are not sure if you can keep going, or what to do next.
#Tip 1- Take Your time
Your relationship with your step-child is the equivalent of the marathon not the 100 metre dash. When you first start living together as a family, you are all adjusting to sharing a new space together. It takes time to work out each other’s routines, habits, personalities, preferences and idiosyncrasies. Unless serious issues need to be immediately addressed, take time to find out what’s working well, and what’s not, in the household before suggesting or introducing changes to routines, diet, leisure time, rules of the house etc.
#Tip 2: Develop a Family Agreement
When coming together as a new family unit it’s important that everyone understands where they fit in and feels heard and valued.
Gathering everyone together to create a Family Agreement is an effective way to do this. It is essentially a fun, family exercise that sets out clear expectations and “the rules of engagement” for living together while ensuring that each person feels like they are part of something greater than themselves and gets to have a say about what’s important to them and how they want to feel.
It starts with getting everyone’s input into what they want to create and how they will contribute to that shared intention. Either or both parents can facilitate the process or you can get someone independent, like a coach, to do it for you.
#Tip 3: Learn Each Other’s Love Language.
Learning how to identify and speak the love language of your new family members can be a game changer.
According to Dr Gary Chapman, unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. We all have a “love tank” that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled and there are different ways we can express love to others. Dr Chapman divides love languages into five categories: words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service and physical touch.
When I recognized that I was communicating with my step-daughter through my love language, acts of service, rather than her primary love languages of quality time and words of affirmation, I shifted my energy and focus into ways of communicating that were more meaningful to her. Sharing what my love language was also helped us to deepen our connection and develop a better understanding and appreciation of each other.
Tip 4: Role-model “good” behavior
Role-modelling the behaviours you wish to see more of will support you to step into your own as a step-parent.
If you are feeling emotionally triggered by something your step-child has said or done, remember the power of the pause. It takes up to 6 seconds for the pre-frontal cortex in your brain to activate giving you access to more logical and rationale thoughts.
STOP and BREATHE. Check your thoughts and emotions. Give yourself a 10 minute time-out to allow the situation to cool down if necessary and to enable you to be able to respond, rather than react.
By choosing to return to a calm, centred place within yourself before responding, more often than not, you’ll be helping your step-children to access a calmer, more centred place within themselves too.
And don’t forget to lighten up!
According to Abraham “An effective parent is a parent who laughs easily and often; who doesn’t take things so seriously”.
#Tip 5 -Be Kind to Yourself
There is no guide book on being the perfect step-mum and there is a steep learning curve that goes with the new territory. Inevitably there will be times you don’t get it right.
At these times. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Look for the learning. Acknowledge you are human. Forgive Yourself. Work out what you might do differently or better next time. Apologise if appropriate (great way to role model accountability). But above all, keep moving forward. You’ve totally got this!
Much Love, Mel x
AS FEATURED IN MY DEAL. FOR MORE INSPIRATIONAL TIPS FROM PARENTING EXPERTS CLICK HERE